Inmate A571570 ( aka TRAVIS TRAILWALKER ) in cell A23 has earned the dubious distinction of being the Town Lake Detention Center’s longest stay inmate, having just completed 200 days, some of it in solitary confinement. He spent several months in the prison sickbay with the sick, lame, and lazy, but has now been cleared for unrestricted duty. This porkulent Black Labradorian has several strikes against him, being half pit bull, and caring for a pet heart-worm named Mr. Wiggly. Because of his previous long-term incarceration in the infirmary and stress of imprisonment, it was determined that removal of TRAVIS’s travel buddy – who was smuggled into the prison – be postponed until Travis’ release from captivity. The Benevolent Ex-convict Reformation Fund has offered to reimburse his work-release employer up to $300 toward costs of exhortation and the séance needed to drive the evil spirits from his pulmonary artery.

TRAVIS was granted a two-night humanitarian Cinderella liberty under the close watch of a brigchaser over the Veteran’s Day holiday. His first encounter with his brigchaser went extraordinarily well, except during the fitting of his chariot seat-belt straight jacket. After he turned himself into a pretzel, the brigchaser took pity and gave him free reign inside the magic pumpkin. TRAVIS loves to drive through the country, riding shotgun and stretching out in the backseat driver’s couch. He tried his hand at steering, but couldn’t reach the pedals at the same time, and had trouble negotiating the parallel parking test.

Once released at the half-way house and Bastrop County Texass Coral Snake Preservation Habitat, TRAVIS stretched his legs on the half-acre of prime poison ivy/oak/sumac forest, tried to dig up moles attempting to undermine the perimeter cattle fence, and relieved himself on loblolly pines and pin oaks like he never saw a tree before.

He joined two Town Lake Detention Center ex-inmates Sassy – the Cattlelabra, ( aka Jellyroll Galore ) and Bart – the Anatolian stallion, as well as Cookie, the neighbor’s barking hotdog, and Rocky, former punch-drunk Golden Gloves champion. Unlike his play buddies, who have all staked out their territory and jealously guard against intruders like Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Possum Bottom, and Squeaky the Mole, TRAVIS was relatively quiet during his entire stay, not returning the taunts of the other inmates or the insults from the peanut gallery while navigating the gauntlet of noisy junk yard dogs in the surrounding hovels. He wasn’t even conned into barking at the doorbell during the pizza delivery commercials on TV like one of his more gullible roommates.

Except for one minor incident when he first entered the premises, TRAVIS appears well housebroken, and learned to use the doggie door after watching the other inmates waddle through the narrow porthole. ( Did I mention that TRAVIS is getting a little porkulent himself from months of inactivity and prison chow? ) He is, however, a closet drinker (water closet that is), and it is suggested one leave the toilet seat and lid down. Until he followed the lead of his fellow inmates and drank at the water trough, he was given his own water bucket just like in prison.

During TRAVIS’ first ten minutes in the half-way house, he was sort of overwhelmed by the intimate contact and rude welcome he received. The prison mafia accepted him only after he prostrated himself upside down and joined in a menage de trois, which unfortunately was not captured on video for posterity. The Anatolian stallion mounted poor TRAVIS from the rear (prison does that to some), while Jellyroll smothered him with motherly love from the front. Once he understood his place in the prison hierarchy, he was invited into the inner circle and allowed to play with their over-stuffed red teddy and a host of squeak toys that go bump in the night. TRAVIS was not a complete pushover and knows how to play rough, but he knows the rules and unspoken signals of the game, and breaks on command.

TRAVIS knows the basic commands and works for approval given liver crack, or pieces of pig’s ears. He lacks some social graces. His gate manners need more work, as he explodes from the starting gate without so much as a “by your leave”. Likewise, it has been reported that his leash manners lacked some tact. While he pulled when collared and resisted putting on a straightjacket, he did well when saddled up with the new “step-in” basic straightjacket with the high-on-the-shoulders padlock ring – disliked by most brigchasers because of its twists and turns. Once on the road, whether alone, or with one of the other inmates, he quickly got into step and emulated his brethen after some initial tug of war with his brigchaser. He power-walked with Bart, but stopped and smelled the remnants of doggies past with Sassy. When walked alone in the forest, he was very relaxed if just left to doing what is natural for a canid and allowed to sniff to his heart’s desire.

While at the half-way house, TRAVIS went on several excursions off-site including slum-garden on the lower east side, Bastrop state copperhead preserve, and Fishernan’s park inside the Bastrop castle walls, where he romped in the Lower Colorado moat as far as his chains would allow. When in the dark forest, it was like he had never smelled deer dung or the pea of the grey fox and wily coyote before. The sight of three reindeer in flight sent him into a tizzy. While he took to his own kind quite quickly, he probably would not be a good candidate for release to a probationary setting that included cats or rabbits. While Bart and Sassy readily accepted small furry beings into their family after a brief introduction, TRAVIS was less accepting and was not invited to sleep in the main den. TRAVIS TRAILWALKER is an accomplished woodsman, marking the trail so we could find our way back to the chariot until he was shooting blanks.

TRAVIS’ former pack leaders were far too lenient in letting him put his paws on the furniture. Given the short length of his visit, he was given some leniency and allowed to sleep on the futon bed and play bumping cars on the sofa.

When left alone, TRAVIS grew anxious. Unfortunately the canid toy box was out of his reach, but he found toys of his own to drag down and play with. However, when left in the company of more mature canines, he did not show any abborent behavior. He will do well if released to an employer with others of his own persuasion.

TRAVIS never met a human he didn’t like, and loves the one he’s with. He takes an immediate liking to anyone in a position of authority and keeps all four paws on the ground when greeting. During his short liberty outside prison walls, he did not encounter any minions of the humanoid race. Despite his tragic circumstances, TRAVIS remains upbeat and affectionate. He loves being petted, brushed, and presses up against his hardened brigchaser in a vain attempt to gain his favor. He willingly took his first hot bath in a real tub and had his outer ears cleaned, but almost immediately joined the Anatolian stallion in a mud-wrestling contest and was fined two pig’s ears for self-mutilation during Captain’s Mast.

Given his lack of interest in toying around, small stature, and his association with Mr. Wiggly, TRAVIS would probably be disqualified from traditional service jobs, but his bubbly disposition may land him a job as a greeter at the local old people’s home or juvenile hospital setting. He has an infectious smile and loves being petted, rubbed, and brushed, and loves to press up against you.

Upon his return to prison, his new friends invited TRAVIS for Thanksgiving dinner if he is still incarcerated. This bubbly tub of lard has a healthy appetite and enjoyed the half-way house chow, whose main ingredient was a named meat instead of cornflakes and meat by-products of undetermined species. He particularly liked chowing down on HEB ECOMAX uneven turkey slices. But given his bulbous belly, he really needs to get out and stretch his legs more instead of eating. Spread the word to FREE TRAVIS today before he goes pen crazy! ADOPTED!

Cowdog PHOENIX, like most of his brethren from downunder is of dubious extraction, perhaps his cattledog mom flirted with some visiting fureigners like a Basenji, Pharoahs or Ibizan hound. In human years, this one year old, forty pound light-weight, whose colors are chestnut with splotches of white, is just 20 English inches tall and 22 inches long. He probably will not get any bigger. He has a perfect 3/5 body condition score – not too fat, not too skinny, but just right!

PHOENIX recently got all his shots – rabies, DHPP, and Bordetella, just in time for the fall semester in obedience school. He believes in preventive medicine and takes his heartworm, and flea and tick treatment seriously. Been chipped by Emancipet. Dipped in oatmeal lather.

PHOENIX practices safe sex. His Rocky Mountain oysters were clipped and dipped recently, when he was put under house arrest with an E-collar for tracking. He is a switch hitter, attempting to mount Sassy, the cattlelabra hussey, and Bart, the Anatolian stallion from both front and rear with limited success.

Given a doggie door or a master doorman, he is well house-broken and accident-free. A late night pitstop at the outhouse will ensure a restful night.

Cowdog PHEONIX wasn’t always a cattle baron, he started out in humble circumstances and was abandoned as a young whipper-snapper in an apartment bedroom when his former master ended up in the calaboose. This resourceful cowdog bit and chewed his way out of his prison after the toilet water ran out, found his kibble, and tore into the bag. He then tried to break out of a window, and was eventually saved by the Sisters from the Holy Order of the Lagomorph. The waif was then transported by wagon train to a frontier dogpatch for education and rehabilitation. He was recently released from house arrest and his E-collar removed.

PHEONIX is now ready to find a job as a cowpoke, dustbuster, or mudwrestler. Having grown up in the air-conditioned confines of his apartment cell, he spends bursts of energy outside, then plunges through the doggie door where he gulps down his water and pants himself to sleep. Being confined in small places has damaged his psyche, and he shows some anxiety when left alone, but is currently undergoing psyho-analysis and is overcoming his fears. He is up to 30 minutes in his open St. Bernard’s steel crate and several hours in his boarding room with the TV on and a basket of hard rubber toys and King Kongs sealed with crunchy peanut butter.

PHEONIX drinks hard and plays hard. He mudwrestles with the world-famous porkulotus – Sassy the Cattlelabra, whose love handles are legendary, and Bart, the Anatolian Stallion, whose ruff-house skills were honed in the cellblocks of the Town Lake Detention Center. PHEONIX likes to play ruff and tumble. His two friends are teaching him the etiquette of the ancient Western wrestling arts, and when to take a rest.

PHEONIX makes humanoid friends easily, although his former master was remiss in teaching him not to jump up on friend or furniture. He made instant friends with a golden retriever and a hotdog on the neighboring ranches.

This cowboy loves to ride in the chuck-wagon, and has adapted to wearing a safety belt while driving, but has recently become protective of his domain when sitting up high in the saddle. He is one of those people who can sleep just about anywhere, and when not peering out at the scenery, curls up and crashes. While he rarely barks, he has been known to growl at the hoi poloi along the trail from his high seat in the chuck-wagon.

PHEONIX recently lost his merit scout badge by failing to correctly identify a fresh roadkill copperhead on the wagon train trail in Bastrop Forest. He loves the outdoors, but is inexperienced in woodsmanship. He spends most of his time sniffing in the wind, and marking the trail to find his way back, until he is shooting blanks. While a carnivore at heart, he does love to sample the lean cruisine along the trail, but has not yet learned to identify buffalo grass from tomato plants and poison ivy.

He still has all his teeth, and loves to snap, crackle, and pop just about anything he can put in his mouth. Tennis balls become shreds in minutes. His favorite playthings are King Kongs topped with crunchy peanut butter, hard rubber ding dongs, and twirling his lariat.

Being a hard-working cowpoke, PHEONIX is lacking in certain social graces. While he loves to roll in the dirt, he shuns bathwater or even an occasional shower. His paws sometimes smell like stale corn chips. He is slowly losing his fear of soap and water. His table manners are disgusting. He wolfs down his dinner and then belches and farts with total disregard for those around him. His former master did not teach him to keep his hands off the table, and he has been known to steal cat food and even red lettuce out of the mouths of rabbits. On the other hand, he is not a picky eater, he appreciates anything you put in his mouth with equal relish.

A fickle lover, PHEONIX is known to attach himself to any humanoid who supplies him with bittles and a place to lay his head at night. He prefers working for a humanoid family with a large fenced yard with attached doggie door and air-conditioning. Being a cattle baron, he needs plenty of exercise outside his cell or he gets cranky and starts bouncing off the walls. A long evening stroll guarantees restful sleep. He doesn’t get along with felines or lagomorphs, but would love to have canid companionship, and is not adverse to pitting his herding skills with the bulls. He doesn’t pick up after himself, but that is what humanoids are for. NO Saturday night cowpokes, city-slicker condo dwellers, or work-a-holics with no time on their hands need apply. PHEONIX is the real McCoy.

Bottomline, PHEONIX is your normal post-adolescent cowpoke seeking a cowgirl or cowboy who loves to run and play, but needs some tender loving care due to some of the drama in his recent life. He is slowly overcoming some of his rough edges, and just needs some tender loving care and direction.

For more information, call Sister Penny at 512 626-5555, or e-mail pevans5austintx@hotmail.com to arrange for a meet and greet at the corral. For character references (he is a character) call 512 581-0091. [11/15/10 - still available, warden reluctant to let him go, but h as too many pets. ]

A Basque Separatist named BRUNO the HUN was apprehended crossing the Pyrenese border posing as a Teutonic Giant weighing in at 51.8 kg with a Germanic passport. This sextarian attempted to disguise himself as a Western European by shaving off most of his coat. While in custody, BRUNO plays the role and growls between pens and fences, but outside the walls of the prison, he gets along with friend and foe alike. Today Bruno took a bath at the AISD kayak landing and contemplated roast swan al-a-mode, along with squirrel stew. On the charriot trail, BRUNO neither pulls or barks. FOUR PAWS UP! Paroled.

TWIGGY (Inmate A553280) is an athletic 3 year old of Weimaraner and Labradorian extraction, combining a love of water with legs and lungs of a thoroughbred. Definitely not a condo couch potato. This slim jim needs plenty of space and a marathon handler. Very playful with all the other inmates met, and gets along with humanoids too. TWIGGY, so named for “his” skinny legs, recently decided TWIGGY was a girl’s name and has since taken the moniker GARRET, as in Hawaii 5 O. ADOPTED.

Inmate A541061, aka CINDY, is a 2 year-old, middleweight Texas water spaniel who is loved by the other inmates and the turnkeys. She is a play buddy of the outlaw ZORRO. Addicted to freeze-dried liver crack. Likes to dip in the moat, and get out and stretch her legs on the trail. ADOPTED.

LUCY (inmate A543085) LOVES all manner of water sports more than even liver crack. This 4 year old pixie Texass water spaniel has boundless energy, and holds the prison record for marathon laps in the moat. She only stops when dragged from the pool. Even after 20 minutes of tethered doggy paddling, she has energy to chase balls forever. Since her incarceration, her leash manners have declined and she is known to tug on your heart strings when in sight of shimmering water,and sometimes has to be carried back into her cell. She is known to stage sit-down strikes when pulled away from the pool and sports arena. Gets along with most of the general population, but shows an unusual interest in those of the feline persuasion. Lucy found a home near the river and was released on her own recogniscents.

Inmate A549568, aka EVA MARIE, is patiently waiting in line for an ovario-hysterectomy at the prison hospital in order to become a trusty and be able to stroll outside the walls on the moat trail. This two year old middleweight pixie loves listening to Muddy Waters and sloshing around in a mud bath to keep her chocolate spots bright and shiny. EVA MARIE initially tries to pull her brigchaser up the hill to the mud baths, but after stretching her legs and chasing a few balls, she settles down and becomes a model prisoner. She’s not the prettiest prisoner on the cellblock, but she sure can cook. All reports indicate she gets along with the other inmates and humanoids. She has since been added to the trusty list and accompanied at least 3 brigchasers on the moat trail.

Inmate A547702, aka ABBY, is a frisky teenager with an unnatural attachment to humanoids. She gets along with most of her own race and shows no malice toward wee ones who are physically challenged. She is seeking a marathon runner or gymnast with boundless energy to keep up with her. ABBY loves all manner of sports, including dumpster diving, rubber bone retrieval, and splashing in mudbaths. Released on parole.

OSCAR DELLA VALLE (A549460) is one of those young inmates who gets along with everyone – brigchasers, inmates, squirrel and fowl alike. He loves to stretch his legs and chase balls and ropes while on land, and blow bubbles (okay, so he farted ) in the shallow end of the wading pool. He trained his handlers how to toss balls over his head, and readily gives up his toys as long they continue to play the game. He shows some interest in becoming a jogger, and excellent leash manners. Despite his addiction to liver crack, he was tested for inclusion in the elite Gifted Animal Program as a sniffing dog, but was rejected due to racial profiling of Texass coonhounds by governmental agencies. He only occassionally displays potty mouth by joining in the chorus with the other inmates as they pass by his domain, and never met a canine, humanoid, or goat he didn’t like. Awarded the coveted FOUR PAWS UP award for inmate of the month! OSCAR found a trainer and left for the mountains.

OSCAR MEETS HIS MATCH – THE CABRITO KID

AMELIA loves humanoids of all ages and sizes, but continually goes ape over roosters, birds of prey, flying squirrels, and all manners of small prey. She is easily calmed with a belly rub, and loves to take baths. She recently returned after her new boyfriend became abusive. AMELIA gets along with almost all those of her own persausion, and barks only when behind caged doors.